A Brief Bit Of Insanity
Miko / M A Davis
sort of original, sort of AMG, sort of other stuff
In early August 1999 I took a trip with my friends Sky Rigdon and Jeffrey Cornish, and Jeri Lynn, down I-5 to the Oregon Caves. We ate at a Carl's Jr. in Grant's Pass, and we stayed the night at the Oregon Caves Lodge.
I plotted this story afterwards, as a strange and light-hearted anime romp. This story is not about us, however; it is a work of fiction... a very silly work of fiction. The people in this story bear no resemblance to myself or my friends, which is a really good thing if you want my opinion. I've gone well out of my way to make sure that they don't resemble us in the least.
I have some six or so short chapters plotted and partially written, and I hope to be able to finish and post one chapter every day until this is done. This is just for fun, although I hope someone out there actually finds this drivel entertaining. Critique if you like, I don't mind, it makes me a better writer, but I don't plan to revise this particular story in any major way.
As for Muyami Academy, I'm working on it, really I am!
Act I: Place Your Call
Jordan De Carvalho's Toyota Tercell began to belch steam and smoke as they approached Grant's Pass. He took the next exit and rolled to a stop in the parking lot of a Carl's Jr. restaurant. Clouds of white steam spilled out from under the hood, and the temperature gauge was well into the red.
Kit Haskins, a lanky young man with dirty-blond hair, took a bite of the banana in his hand. He chewed it slowly, swallowed, and said:
"Dude, there's something seriously wrong with your car."
"So I noticed," Jordan replied.
"You should, like, stop and get it fixed," Kit added. He took another bite from his banana.
Jordan sighed and got out of the car. He popped the hood and lifted it, sending huge clouds of steam up into the evening sky. People inside the restaurant were staring at him and laughing, he was certain of it. He ran one hand through his short black hair, shoved his thick glasses back up his nose, and placed his hands on his hips.
Jordan was a good driver, but when it came to car repairs, he knew as much as a snail knows about hang gliding.
Kit climbed out of the passenger side and stretched. He stared at the hissing, steam-engulfed engine, then scratched his stomach through the fabric of his black tee shirt. The logo on the front was for the band Korn.
"Bogus," he said.
"You know anything about cars?" Jordan asked.
"I know that yours is hosed," Kit replied. He finished his banana and tossed the peel onto the passenger seat.
Kit wasn't the brightest star in the sky, Jordan reflected. In fact, in terms of luminosity, he was more like a black hole. He soaked up intelligence in such a way that it never got back out.
Shawn Stacey, their mutual friend, climbed out of the back seat. It was kind of like watching jelly ooze through a small crack. Shawn was a very large man, and most of that mass was not muscle.
Shawn took one look at the steaming engine, and his eyes bugged out.
"Oh man, what are we going to do?" he asked. "We can't get stuck here in Grant's Pass! I have to be back at work on Monday! If I don't show up, I'll lose my job, and then I won't be able to pay my bills and my landlady will kick me out, and...."
"Shawn," Jordan said.
"...and I won't be able to upgrade my computer, and I'll lose my online service, and the phone company will disconnect me, and the cable company will...."
"SHAWN!" Jordan said, "we are NOT going to get stuck in Grant's Pass. It's just an engine problem, probably a broken hose or something. I'll just check the yellow pages and call a repair shop. We've still got plenty of time to get to the Oregon Caves, okay?"
"Man, this is completely bogus," Kit said. "Stuck in Grant's Pass. Hey, well, at least we can get some good eats, right?"
"Good luck finding a repair service in a nowhere town on a Saturday night," Shawn muttered, lighting up a cigarette. "This place is a dump. We should have stayed in Seattle."
Jordan didn't bother to reply. He headed to the nearby phone booth.
In the back seat, the fourth and final member of their group, Marika Kieran, opened her eyes. She looked about, blinked, yanked off her CD headphones and sat up slowly.
"Are we there yet?" she asked. "Wow, that was fast!"
***
"What I need is a Dr. Pepper," Shawn said. "I can't drink this cola garbage. I hate cola. I hate rootbeer. I hate Mountain Dew. Why don't they have Dr. Pepper here anyway? They've got everything else."
"They said they were out," Marika replied.
The four were standing around Jordan's dead Tercell, eating hamburgers and waiting for Jordan to locate an open repair shop. He had the yellow pages from the phone booth open in front of him, and was placing call after call on his cellular phone. So far, he'd struck out. He had yet to even speak to a live human being.
A huge white tee shirt covered Shawn's expansive upper body, with a hand-painted picture of Lum-chan on the front, sans top. The others were always a little embarassed when he wore that shirt in public. As usual, he was whining and complaining as much as possible, while chain-smoking a pack of cigarettes.
"That's what they said," Shawn continued. "I think it's a conspiracy. The whole world is out to make my life miserable. I'm stuck in a nowhere town with no way out and there's no Dr. Pepper and I'm not going to get back to work by Monday and my boss is going to fire me and...."
"SHAWN, SHUT UP!" Jordan growled. "I'm trying to talk on the phone here!"
The other three grew quiet. Jordan was the unofficial leader of the group, simply because he was less geeky or neurotic than the other three. Which was unfortunately not saying very much. He was the only one not wearing a tee shirt, but instead had a nice button-down shirt of brick red, a rugged casual shirt such as you might find at Eddie Bauer. Sometimes, it seemed that his somewhat more professional clothing was the biggest thing that seperated him from the other three.
Jordan's eyes lit up.
"Hello?" he said. "Yes? I'm looking for a repair shop that can help me fix my car... no, I don't know what's wrong with it... probably a broken radiator hose or something... oh, I'm sorry, I thought you were a repair shop. No, no problem. Okay, thanks."
He hung up the phone and began dialing another number. "They just sell parts," he muttered. "If I knew for sure what was wrong, and how to fix it...."
Marika looked about at the tree-covered hills, just barely visible in the fading light. The sky to the west still glowed red and orange, but the sun had already slipped below the horizon.
She wore a tee shirt as well... oversized, and dyed a dark green. There was a complicated Celtic knotwork design on the front, with a dragon at the center of the design. Marika was part Irish, and liked Celtic music and ornamentation. She could pass for a normal girl, until you started to talk animation with her. Then you realized how tied up she was in anime fandom... working at a comic shop that specialized in anime and manga, treasurer for the largest local anime club, a member of the local anime convention concom, and an active fan fiction writer into the bargain. After just a short conversation with her, you learned how fully and completely she defined the word "obsessed".
"Well, at least it's a pretty place," she said. "I can think of worse places to get stuck in."
"Like?" Shawn asked.
Marika looked thoughtful. "Provo, for one," she said. "Nogales. Mobile."
Shawn snorted. "Your family's moved around a lot, haven't they?" Marika nodded. He lit up another cigarette and puffed nervously. "Do you think there are any wild animals out here?" he asked.
"Quiet!" Jordan hissed. He held the phone to his ear again. "Yes? I'm looking for a repair shop... what? Is that your name? I thought this was Nelson's Auto Repair... oh, you are? Great! We're at the... hello? Hello?"
He stared at the phone, then at his friends.
"That was weird," he said. "Sounded like a young girl. She said they were sending someone right over, but she didn't even ask where we were. Something about a 'Goddess Emergency Relief Agency' or somesuch."
"You're right," Marika said. "That does sound weird. Like a line from Ah! My Goddess." Her eyes lit up. "Hey, wouldn't that be cool?"
As if in answer, something -- smoke? light? -- started to spill from the passenger side mirror. Marika "eeped" and stumbled back, while the other three turned and stared.
The misty, milky substance swirled about and coalesced into the form of a girl.
She was short -- several inches short of five feet tall -- and had bright green hair, tied into two long braids. She wore an elaborate off-the-shoulder dress of white, with multiple layers and symbols in a light silver stitched along the hem and edges. Silver crescent-moons hung from her ears and around her neck, and blue-silver crescents were also painted or tattooed on each cheak and on her forehead.
She was floating six inches above the concrete.
She bowed low and said, "Good evening! My name is Clotho. I'm from the Goddess Emergency Relief Agency, and I'm here to grant you your wish."
to be continued
A Brief Bit Of Insanity
Miko / M A Davis
sort of original, sort of AMG, sort of other stuff
A strange anime romp, in seven parts. Each act of this story will be short... but this is probably the only one that's a single scene. Gomen nasai!
Act II: Make Your Wish
"Dude," Kit said, "she, like, came right out of your car mirror!"
Jordan nodded, dazed. "I noticed," he said hoarsely.
"Dude! It's a goddess! Like the babe in that anime show you like!"
"You mean Belldandy?" Shawn asked eagerly.
"Yeah, that's the one! Dude, this is so awesome!"
"I wish I were as rich as Bill Gates!" Shawn blurted out. "No, wait... I wish I was even richer than Bill Gates! Tons richer! I wish I were ten times as rich as him!"
The green-haired girl looked Shawn up and down, clearly fascinated by his massive, blubbery bulk. "I'm sorry," she said, "but it doesn't work that way. I can only grant a wish for the one who placed the call."
"Wow," Kit said, "could you give me a, you know, an android cat girl like that Nuku Nuku chick? That would be sooooo cool!"
"That's a dumb wish, Kit," Shawn said. "You're only going to waste it."
"Dude, no it isn't. Not even Bill-fucking-Gates can make a radical android girl like that." Then his eyes lit up. "Wait! If you can't do Nuku Nuku, then give me Anna and Uma Puma! No, wait! All three of them!"
"I can't do any of that," the girl said.
"That's not even a wish, you know," Marika said. "Though, if it comes to that, I'd wish for Tamahome-sama, myself...."
"Oh, yeah, right," Kit said. "Okay, then, I wish you would give me an android cat girl like...."
"You aren't listening, are you?" the girl said. "Look, it's very simple. I can only grant a wish for the one who called me, and that isn't either of you three."
The two boys and the girl looked at each other, then back at Jordan. For his part, Jordan continued to stare at the short green-haired girl in shock
He looked at the Tercell's side mirror.
He looked back at the girl.
"Did you just come out of that mirror?" he asked.
"Dude," kit said, "get with the program."
The girl frowned. "Yes, of course I did. I'm a goddess. We do things like that."
"What kind of a trick is this?" Jordan asked warily.
"It's no trick. I'm a goddess."
"Look, girls just don't come out of mirrors like that," he said. "It's not physically possible."
"I'm not just any girl," Clotho said. "I'm a goddess."
"He's not getting it," Kit said.
"He's a little slow on the uptake, Mariko added.
Shawn lit up another cigarette. "My god," he said, "he can wish for anything in the world, and he's going to blow it. What an idiot."
The other two nodded their heads in agreement.
"I'm here to grant you a wish," the girl said again. "One wish only. You were chosen to receive this wish because you are deserving of it."
Jordan blinked.
"Just tell me your heart's desire," she said. "I don't have all day, you know. In fact, we're really short staffed and I've got a huge backlog, so if you don't mind…." She tapped her foot impatiently.
"Okay," Jordan said, "this is the point where I ask for a goddess, like Keiichi Morasato... to live with me forever, right?"
The already darkening skies grew black. The girl floated into the air and, holding her arms out, turned her face to the sky. A brilliant beam of blue light flashed from the mark on her forehead and shot up into the heavens. For a moment, the world seemed to spin, as if that beam of light were a spoke and the rest of reality a wheel.
Then the beam faded, the sky grew less dark, and the girl settled back to earth.
"Your wish has been granted," she said.
Jordan blinked in confusion. "Wish?" he said. "What wish?"
"Why, the one that you just made, of course."
"You wished for a goddess to live with you forever," Kit said helpfully. "Just like Keiichi Morasato in Ah! My Goddess. Dude, that's not too bad! I thought you were going to blow it!"
"I did?" Jordan replied. "I didn't mean to do that." He glanced back at the girl in the strange outfit, then gave a hesitant smile. "Um... sorry about this... I guess this means you have to stay with me now? I hope you don't mind."
"No, silly!" the goddess replied. "You didn't wish for me to stay with you!"
The girl glanced at her wrist. "Oh my stars, I've got to run! I'm so far behind schedule… well, that's not your problem of course. See you later!"
Jordan stared at her blankly. She faded to a milky mist that was quickly sucked into the side mirror.
"Then what did I wish for?" Jordan asked.
Just then, thick black smoke billowed forth from the exhaust pipe of the Tercell. This was strange, because the engine clearly wasn't running.
"Dude, I'm telling you," Kit said, "something is seriously wrong with your car."
Moments later the smoke coalesced into another young girl. Her shiny black hair was tied back into a ponytail which cascaded down her back to her waist, with a single separate braid flopped over her right shoulder. She wore a skirt of alternating black and white bands, with circular designs and trim in gold. Her top had an asymmetrical design, and was white on the left side and blue-gray on the right and the collar, and with a decorative white bow at the neck. She also sported one white glove, on her right hand.
She blinked, then smiled nervously. "Greetings," she said. "I am the goddess Keiichi Morasato, at your service." She glanced down at herself, made a face, and added, "Although I wish I wasn't...."
to be continued
A Brief Bit Of Insanity
Miko / M A Davis
Sort of original, sort of AMG, sort of other stuff
A strange anime romp, in seven short acts.
Act III: Know Your Goddess
"I still think it's funny," Shawn said.
"It's not funny," Keiichi and Jordan said together.
The four friends and the very reluctant goddess were seated at a table in the Carl's Jr. restaurant, for lack of a better place to go. It was dark and cold outside, and had started to rain. Meanwhile, Keiichi, Shawn and Kit had ordered more food. Keiichi apparently hadn't eaten in a while, Kit was one of those annoying people who could eat all day and not get fat, and Shawn, despite his size, was afraid he'd starve as soon as the restaurant shut down for the night.
"But it is funny!" Shawn insisted. "I mean, to say, 'I wish for a goddess like Keiichi Morasato to live with me forever.' It's priceless!"
"You know," Marika said thoughtfully, "she looks exactly like Keiichi Morasato in that 'Miss Keiichi' episode. You know, where he got into Urd's medicine and grew really long hair and breasts, and then Belldandy and Skuld dressed him up?"
"Aces! You're right!" Kit exclaimed.
Keiichi blinked. "How do you know about that?" she asked.
"It's an episode in the manga," Marika said. "Volume Eight I think... can't remember for sure. Anyway I've got all the Japanese volumes, and the Dark Horse translations too."
Keiichi stared at her, completely mystified. "Manga?" she asked. "Translations?"
"Okay, okay," Shawn said, "but that Keiichi wasn't really female. So, what about this one? Are you female, or not?"
"I'm... uh," Keiichi said, looking uncomfortable. "I am... well, a goddess, I guess. Although it wasn't really my idea...." She glared at Jordan angrily.
"Yes," Shawn persisted, "but are you a male goddess, or a female goddess?"
"Don't be stupid," Marika said. "Goddesses are always female! A male goddess isn't a goddess, he's a god."
"Well sure," Kit said, "But the real Keiichi Morasato was a dude, right?"
Keiichi looked even more uncomfortable.
"Yes, but the real Keiichi Morasato isn't a goddess," Jordan said.
"What are you two talking about?" Shawn said. "There is no 'real Keiichi Morasato'. He's just an anime character, for god's sake!"
"Hold it, hold it!" Keiichi said, standing up. "Let's get one thing straight. I am the real Keiichi Morasato. I didn't ask to be turned into a goddess, okay? And, to answer your question, yes, I am a guy, or at least, I was until a few minutes ago, and yes, goddesses are always female."
"So you're a girl then?" Shawn persisted.
"Dude, he like said he was a goddess, and that all of them were female...."
"I'd rather not talk about it," Keiichi said, sitting back down. "It's kind of embarrassing."
"I feel for you, dude," Kit said. "It must suck to be a chick. I mean, if you're a babe, then that's okay, but if you're a dude, and then suddenly you're this girl... well, that's completely bogus."
Keiichi stared at Kit for a moment, then glanced back at the others.
"Is he for real?" Keiichi asked.
"Unfortunately, yes," Marika replied.
"I mean it," Kit continued. "If you ever need anyone to talk to, I'm here for you."
"Oh god," Marika said, "now he's hitting on her."
"Kit, knock it off," Jordan said.
"What? All I'm saying is, if she needs a shoulder to cry on...."
"I'm not a girl!" Keiichi said. She glanced down at herself, and added, "What I mean is, this is only temporary, right? These things always happen to me, but eventually we'll get this straightened out...."
"Anyway," Shawn said, "she's supposed to be Jordan's goddess, right? So if she's going to cuddle up to anyone it'll be Jordan, I think...."
Keiichi looked horrified. "I'm not going to cuddle up to any guy, okay? This is just some horrible mistake. We'll get it fixed...."
"Fine by me," Jordan said. "Obviously, my heart's desire was not to have a fictional male become my personal goddess..."
"Could I just interject to say, once again, that I'm not fictional?" Keiichi said.
"...My only desire, at the moment," Jordan continued, "is to get my car fixed."
Keiichi blinked.
"You need your car fixed?" she said.
"Yeah," Kit said. "it was, like, belching smoke and stuff."
"Well," Keiichi said, getting up. "Why didn't you say so? If there's anything I can help you with, it's car troubles!"
***
The shoes were of brown suede leather, with decorative stitching on the sides and two straps held on by gold buckles. The socks were white with lace trim, turned down so that the lace brushed the top of the shoes. The long skirt covered most of the legs, although part of a bare ankle could be seen, along with a bit of white satin and lace slip, exposed where the hem of the dress had been pulled up.
The rest of the girl's body was hidden beneath Jordan's red Toyota Tercell.
"Could you hand me a screwdriver?" the girl called out. She held out her hand. "A small one, phillip's," she added. Jordan didn't move, but the requested tool appeared in the girl's hand. "Thanks," she replied, as the hand disappeared.
"You know, when you said you were going to fix my car," Jordan said, "I didn't think you were going to actually climb under it with a bunch of tools."
"How else would I fix it?" the girl replied. Her hand shot out again. "Crescent wrench, 8 mm I think," she demanded. Magically, the item appeared in her hand.
"Well," Jordan said, "I sort of thought you might wave your hands around and recite a rhyme or two, or something. Like Belldandy does."
The metallic clang of a wrench slipping was followed by some very unladylike cursing. The hand shot out again.
"I need a smaller wrench," she said. "Actually, if you've got an adjustable wrench, that'd be great!"
The requested wrench appeared in her hand.
"Anyway," she said, "I've never been a goddess before, so I don't have the first clue how to do magic."
"If you say so," Jordan replied. "Still, it seems weird having a goddess checking my engine out like a common mechanic...."
The girl known as Keiichi pulled herself out from under the car. She had grease smeared across her face and arms, and her elaborate blouse and long skirt were both torn and stained. Jordan shifted uncomfortably, well aware that he and his friends were letting the best-dressed person in the group do all of the dirty work.
Keiichi flashed a grin.
"I am a mechanic," she said. "You turned me into a goddess. I didn't ask for the job, and I don't know how to do any of that magic stuff. Maybe if you'd thought to include an owner's manual or something. Anyway, this is more fun. I haven't worked on a Tercell in a while."
She disappeared beneath the car once again, but her muffled voice floating out from below:
"It's not a big problem, just a broken radiator hose. You're low on oil too, and you could use a new filter. If there's a car parts store nearby I can fix it in no time."
Jordan nodded. "I talked to a parts store earlier. I think they're still open. Hang on, let me call them."
An hour later, Keiichi closed the hood of the car, crossed her arms, and smiled in satisfaction.
"That should do it," she said. "I told you it was simple to fix."
"Good," Marika said. "We were supposed to check in at the lodge hours ago."
"Dude," Kit said to Keiichi, "are you coming with us, or not?"
"I don't think I have a choice," Keiichi replied, looking uncomfortable. "The contract between us means that I can never be too far from Jordan." She grimaced. "It's really inconvenient, if you ask me. I mean, I love Belldandy, whereas I'm not going to fall for Jordan. Ever."
"Fine with me," Jordan muttered. "Having you show up was hardly my heart's desire. Just my luck to have my wish granted by an incompetent goddess."
Kit was inspecting something he'd found on the ground. "Whoah, dude, check this out!" he exclaimed. "It says, 'Keiichi Morosato, goddess 4th class, extremely limited and in training.'" He glanced up. "It looks real official, too, so it must be the real thing. Is 4th class the bottom of the heap, then?"
"Hey!" Keiichi exclaimed, snatching the card away. "That's mine!" She stared at it a moment, then stuffed it down the front of her blouse.
"As for your question… I've got no idea," she said. "Probably. I can't imagine any goddess being less trained or less competent than me. Not that it's any of your business."
She glanced down at herself and sighed. "I really did a number on this outfit," she said. "Has the restaurant closed yet? I'd really like to clean up a little before we go...."
"Dude, just snap your fingers and make it go away," Kit said.
"What did I just tell you?" Keiichi said. "I don't know how! Maybe if Belldandy were here, she could teach me...."
"I've been thinking about that," Shawn said. "What if Belldandy doesn't really exist?"
Keiichi stared at the massive member of the group for several long moments.
"What are you talking about?" the girl exclaimed. "I was with her only a few hours ago! Of course she exists!"
Shawn nodded his head vigorously. "In your reality, of course," he said. "But in our reality, you and Belldandy and everyone else you know are just part of a work of fiction created by Kyosuke Fujishima."
"Never heard of him," Keiichi said.
"I was just thinking," Shawn said, "that, while you think that you're Keiichi Morosato, and you have all of his memories, that you might still have been created on the spot when Jordan made his wish... that your past isn't real, and only exists in your head."
"Don't be ridiculous," Keiichi said, getting angry. "You can't tell me that Belldandy and Urd and Skuld and my sister Megumi don't even exist! That's absurd!"
Shawn shrugged his massive shoulders. "It's just a theory," he said. "It's one possibility. But it would explain why you're speaking perfect English, rather than Japanese."
"I am?" Keiichi asked, surprised. She thought about it a moment, then added, "what do you know! I am! I hadn't even noticed!"
Then she shook her head. "Still, that proves nothing. I know my Belldandy exists, and she'll be showing up soon. After all, she's tied to me as much as I'm tied to Jordan."
As if on cue, a white mist spilled out of the car's side mirror and took on the shape of a girl. Moments later, the goddess Belldandy stood before them. She had the familiar long brown hair, tied back and cascading over her shoulders and down her back. She wore one of her typical stylish outfits, a dress in blue, white and sea green with multiple layers, a wide, pleated skirt, and large brass buttons and buckles that served more as decoration than anything. She glanced about, taking in the four friends, their car, the restaurant, and the grease-covered goddess who was, technically, her mortal boyfriend.
"Oh, my!" she exclaimed. "Keiichi, what have they done to you?"
*To be continued tomorrow*
And no, not every act ends with a goddess showing up! =P
A Brief Bit Of Insanity
Miko / M A Davis
Sort of original, sort of AMG, sort of other stuff
A strange anime romp, in seven (now eight) short acts.
Act IV: Keep That Number Handy
"It must be fun to shrink down like that," Marika said conversationally.
Jordan carefully guided the Tercell up a narrow mountain road that wound back and forth, occasionally nearly doubling back on itself. It was not only dark but also foggy, and the road narrowed to one lane in a couple of places -- once where a rockslide had destroyed part of the road, another where a bridge had been built wide enough for only one car at a time. Always the road featured a steep rock cliff on one side and a sharp drop-off on the other, with only the dark tops of pine trees visible as they rose up through the mist that covered the hillside.
The small car had been crowded enough with four people in it, and Jordan had made it clear that there wasn't any room for two more -- even if they did happen to be goddesses. Kit and Shawn had immediately volunteered their laps, but as it turned out, Belldandy had solved the problem by shrinking Keiichi and herself to the size of dolls. The two sat in the back seat between Kit and Marika, while the much large Shawn had been given the front seat. But at least Belldandy had taught Keiichi how to summon up clean clothes.
"No, it's not fun," Keiichi complained. "You drag me across the Pacific Ocean to America, transform me into a girl, give me a goddess license which does me no good since I have no training, turn me into a cabbage patch kid, and I'm supposed to think this is fun? I don't want to be a girl. I just want to be myself. I've got a midterm to study for, and a race coming up in three weeks. I don't have time for any of this!"
"Cheer up, Keiichi," Belldandy said. "I'm sure things will turn out for the best. In the mean time, it is kind of exciting to be travelling in America, and I'm sure the Oregon Caves will be lots of fun!"
"Well, I'm glad you're having fun, Belldandy," Keiichi said. She shifted uncomfortably. "At least Megumi isn't here, or Urd and Skuld. They'd be laughing hysterically at me. But mostly, I'm just worried that I'll be stuck this way."
"Dude, look on the bright side," Kit said. "You're immortal now. You and your babe have got it made now! Together forever!"
The two diminutive goddesses looked at him.
"Oh, wow, I like completely spaced on that part. I guess girl on girl doesn't work for you, does it?"
"No," Keiichi said sourly.
Belldandy looked confused. "Girl on girl?" she asked.
"I'll explain later," Keiichi said.
"In any case," Belldandy said, "things really are messed up at the moment, but I'm sure we can figure out a solution to all this soon."
"I don't really care," Shawn said. "I just hope to heck they have a Dr. Pepper waiting for me when we get there."
Lights appeared in the fog, and soon a large wooden lodge rose out of the night. It was built right on the lip of the wooded canyon, so that all the rooms on one side looked out over a drop-off of over a hundred feet. Jordan parked the car in the lot just beyond the lodge, and everyone piled out into the foggy night.
Jordan glanced at the two doll-sized goddesses. "Um," he said, "I only reserved space for four people. I don't know if they'll charge more for six, or if they'll allow us to put six people in two rooms...."
Belldandy smiled. "I understand," she said. She chanted something in a soft voice, and she and Keiichi shrunk even further, until they were each just a couple of inches high.
"There!" the tiny goddess said. "Marika, if you don't mind, could we ride in your purse?"
Marika looked startled for a second, then nodded. As she bent down to let the two goddesses climb in, Keiichi muttered, "Now I'm really glad Urd isn't here."
Inside the lodge was a large main room, dominated on one end by an old stone fireplace, and on the other by a piano and huge windows that looked out over the canyon. The lodge had been built many decades ago, and had not been changed much since then. In one corner stood the old radio that had once been the only communication with the outside world.
Jordan quickly checked in and then led the group up two flights of stairs. The hallways were narrow and dark, with somewhat uneven flooring. At the end of each hallway was an ancient telephone, the sort with a hand-crank and with black iron bells on top. These didn't work, of course, nor were there telephones or phone lines in the rooms.
The two rooms might have looked the same in 1940 as they did now. The ceiling was painted a brownish yellow, as were the exposed pipes ran along it. One room held a closet and a mirror/wash basin combination, while the other room had a bathroom attached. It was quite a large bathroom, at that.
The group dropped their bags and flopped down the nearest bed or chair. Belldandy and Keiichi hopped out of Marika's purse and grew to full size again.
Jordan said, "Well, I guess we can put all the girls in one room and the boys in another."
Marika and Belldandy nodded. Keiichi looked momentarily shocked.
"You mean," she said, "that I'd be sleeping in the same room as Belldandy? In the same bed?"
Jordan nodded. Keiichi got a very strange, silly look on her face. Her eyes glazed over. Her face went pale. Then her eyes rolled back into her head, and she collapsed onto the floor.
"Keiichi!" Belldandy said, leaping up.
"Wow," Marika said. "His nose is bleeding! Is that for real?"
"Really?" Kit said, stepping around the bed to look. "Oh man! I never, like, actually saw someone do that before! I thought that was just, you know, anime stuff."
"If goddesses granting wishes isn't anime stuff," Marika said, "then I'd like to know what is."
***
Although it was late and the restaurant was closed, it was still early enough that nobody really felt like going to bed just yet. The small group decided to explore the park a little.
Fog shrouded everything. It turned the buildings and trees into strange-looking half-formed shapes, and shrouded the hills in mist, hiding much of the forest and the dense undergrowth. It seemed to shrink the entire world to just the few hundred feet around them. Sounds were muffled, so that you heard voices but could not tell from what direction they came or what was being said. In many ways it made everything seem far more magical and mysterious than the Carl's Jr. parking lot had been.
The cave was somewhere further up the mountainside, but the stream that helped form it flowed down to form a pool on one side of the road. The splashing and burbling of water seemed to echo all around them. On the other side, there was a drop-off and then a larger pool, set just outside the main floor of the lodge, with a wooden swing before it large enough for three or four people. Belldandy and Keiichi sat and rocked back and forth while Jordan and Kit tossed rocks into the pool. There were no fish in it, but water bugs skipped along the edges and pennies lined the bottom. For a while everyone remained silent, listening to the soft woodland sounds and the distant, indistinct voices.
"This place is really beautiful," Belldandy said. Keiichi nodded in agreement.
Kit seemed to be turning a particularly difficult problem over in his head, a practice that usually only made him dizzy. "Belldandy," he finally said, "doesn't, like, having Keiichi turned into a girl violate your contract with him?"
"Well, technically, no," Belldandy said. "Even if Keiichi remains a goddess and stays with Jordan, that doesn't prevent me from staying with him. All he really wished for was for 'a goddess like me' to stay with him forever, and he's got that."
"Well yeah, but," Kit said. "I mean... didn't he, like, add any clauses like, 'don't turn me into a babe,' or something?"
"Not really, no," Belldandy said.
"But I'll try to remember that in the future," Keiichi muttered under her breath.
"Anyway," Belldandy said, "who would have thought that someone might make such an odd wish?"
"I didn't make 'such an odd wish'," Jordan growled. "Clotho twisted my words around!"
"Dude, you were totally misquoted," Kit said in agreement.
"Uh, yeah," Jordan said. "Anyway, it was just an offhand comment, not a real wish. Aren't you guys supposed to only grant someone's heart's desire?"
"Don't look at me," Keiichi said. "I've never been a goddess before."
"That's how it's supposed to work," Belldandy said, "but some agencies are better at it than others."
"So this was a rival agency?"
"Yes, of course. I've only met Clotho a few times. But I'm sure this was an isolated mistake. If she went around making mistakes like this all of the time, then the agency's contract would soon be annulled, I'm sure."
Shawn and Marika joined the others. "What's up?" Jordan asked.
"They've got a fridge at the front desk," Marika said. "Shawn bought several bottles of Dr. Pepper, so he's momentarily in heaven.
Shawn belched loudly in agreement.
Kit pulled Jordan's cell phone from his belt. Jordan raised an eyebrow.
"Need to make a call?" he asked.
Kit shook his head. "No, dude, I was just thinking. Does this thing have, like, automatic redial?" he asked.
"Yes, of course," Jordan said, not glancing up. "Just hit star 69."
Kit punched the buttons eagerly. Marika blinked in confusion.
"Didn't Jordan call that auto parts store last?" she asked.
"Nope," Kit said. "He was going to, but then some dude offered to give us a lift in his pickup."
"Oh?" Marika replied. "But that means...."
Kit nodded his head vigorously. "Okay, okay, keep your voice down a sec.," he said. "I'm on the phone, dudes! Yes, hello? Yes? Really? Okay, fine. Right on! Aces, dude! I'll be waiting!"
Kit folded the cell phone up and, with a huge grin, handed it back to Jordan. Shawn blinked his eyes, then said, "Kit, did you just do what I think you did?"
As if in answer, light flashed from Marika's purse. She yelped and dropped it on the ground. A small compact mirror rolled out and lay face-up on the ground, and a milky white mist began to pour out of it.
Moments later, the goddess Clotho stood before them.
"Good evening," she said. "I'm Clotho, from the Goddess Emergency Relief Agency, and I'm here to grant you your wish." She looked about and her eyes went wide. "Oh my!" she exclaimed. "You get a wish too? What a coincidence! Oh, and Belldandy! You're here too?"
Belldandy smiled at the rival goddess sweetly, while Shawn slapped his hand over his face.
"Kit," Shawn said, "you figured that out all by yourself? Damn. That's impressive. You really do have a brain, don't you?"
"You bet," Kit said, "and I know what to wish for, too!" He took a deep breath and said:
"I wish we would travel to El Hazzard!"
For a moment, the rest of the group stared at him. Then Clotho began the floating-up, face-towards-the-heavens, stormy-night, beam-of-light-from-the-forehead routine.
"You wish we would WHAT?" Marika growled.
"Your wish has been granted," Clotho said. "Have a nice trip!"
For a moment, there was darkness, and the sensation of falling, and then the entire group found itself in an unfamiliar field of grass, with a grove of trees in the distance. For some reason, Jordan's Tercell had made the trip with them, and was parked just a few feet away.
They were not alone.
They were, in fact, surrounded by a large group of multi-colored giant bugs.
"Move aside!" a voice yelled out. "Step aside! Let your illustrious leader through!"
A young Japanese boy, tall and thin, with very pale skin, shoved his way through the crowd and stood looking over them. He wore slacks and a jacket of dark blue, with a white shirt, black tie, and black shoes.
He looked them over, then broke out into hysterical laughter.
"What's this?" Katsuhito Jinnai exclaimed. "Prisoners, and a motor vehicle to aid me in my conquest? Hahahahaahaha!"
"I take it back, Kit," Shawn said. "I was right the first time. You have no brain."
*to be continued*
A Brief Bit Of Insanity
Miko / M A Davis
Sort of original, sort of AMG, sort of other stuff
A strange anime romp, in seven (now eight) short acts.
Act V: Avoid Evil Megalomaniacs
"I will not listen to your pathetic lies!" Katsuhito Jinnai declared. "You cannot fool me! I know full well that you were sent here to spy on me by my devious enemy, Makato Shizuhara!
Jinnai, flanked by one of the bugrom, who acted as his personal bodyguard, stared through the bars at the six humans that he'd imprisoned. He broke into maniacal laughter.
"Ha haHAhaHAhaHAhaHAha! You fools! Makato must be very worried about my battle plans, to send six spies to the Bugrom lands! Well, he will not learn the truth until it's too late! When I have my rival in chains, then will I explain to him my grand plans, and not before!"
He paused to consider his reflection in a small wall mirror. He pulled his comb out and ran it through his hair a few times, then, satisfied, turned back to the group.
"As for your red Toyota, my scientists are inspecting it now. I will use it as a chariot when we celebrate our victory in Roshitaria! Ha haHAhaHAhaHAhaHA!"
The six friends -- Kit, Marika, Jordan, Shawn, Keiichi and Belldandy -- sat on the stone floor of the large cell, listening to Jinnai as he droned on. Their watches, and the cell phone, had been confiscated, and rested on a table below the mirror, near the dungeon entrance. Everyone looked apprehensive except Belldandy, who was listening intently to Jinnai, and Kit, who had yet to register that they might be in danger.
"This is so keeewl!" Kit breathed. "Dude, we're really in El Hazzard! I can't believe it!"
The others glared at him like demons at a minister. "In case you haven't noticed, airhead," Shawn said icily, "we're currently being held captive by a megalomaniac and his evil army of giant bugs."
Kit nodded enthusiastically. "Yeah, I should have said Roshitaria, or Mount Muldoon. But still, isn't this cool? Just think! We're going to meet the Princess and the three Priestesses, and Ifurita too! Is that rad or what?"
"Perhaps you don't understand the meaning of the words 'held captive'," Shawn replied. His voice might have frozen mercury.
"I know, I know, but we just have to escape," Kit replied. "This is an anime world, and we're the good guys. We'll get out somehow."
"You will never escape!" Jinnai shot back. "My dungeon is escape proof! I shall hold you here as bait, to lure Makato and his band of fools into the land of Bugrom. For you see, I know his weaknesses well. I will leak the news of your capture, and he will risk himself to rescue his friends -- just as any fool would! His weakness will mean my victory!"
"Unless he doesn't know us," Marika growled under her breath.
"Oh god," Shawn moaned. "I'm going to lose my job for sure. I'm stuck on an imaginary planet in an imaginary dimension, and I'm being held captive in an imaginary dungeon by an imaginary despot...."
"Seems real enough to me," Keiichi muttered.
"...And when I don't report to work on Monday, my life will be over!" Shawn continued. "And the very worst part of it is that there's no damned Dr. Pepper on this entire planet!"
Marika rolled her eyes. "You got it, Shawn," she said. "That's the true tragedy, all right."
"Well it is!"
"And the fact that our only hope of rescue lies in the hand of a boy who doesn't know we exist is merely a secondary concern?"
"We're doomed," Jordan moaned.
"Dude, you should have dialed that Clotho babe again before he got the phone."
"Shut up, Kit!"
Jinnai raised an eyebrow. "Something special about the phone?" he asked. "We'll just see about that." He picked it up and inspected it for several moments.
"It's just an ordinarily cell phone," he said, setting it down again. "You won't be reporting back to headquarters with this useless device. You may not realize it, but there is no cell phone service on this world."
The bugrom picked the phone up and began playing with it.
"Put it down, Homer," Jinnai barked. When the bugrom paused and pointed to itself, Jinnai added, "Damn right I'm talking to you! Did you not just hear what I said? It's a useless piece of junk!"
The bugrom mumbled something in insect, punched a few more buttons, and then shrugged and laid the device on the table.
A white mist began pouring out of the mirror.
Shawn began to laugh hysterically. "Of course!" he exclaimed. "It's an anime world! What else could we expect? The mirror's on the wall for this very reason!"
For the third time in six hours, Clotho appeared before them.
"Greetings from the Goddess Emergency Relief Agency," she said, bowing. "I am here to grant your wish." Then she glanced about and added, "By the way, who dialed the number? Nobody was on the line when I answered the call."
From the other side of the bars, four voices yelled in unison: "I did!"
Clotho regarded them with veiled distrust. "You people again?" She glanced at the desk where the cell phone lay, and back to the bars that separated it from the travel companions. "I hardly think any of you were in position to make the call this time," she said, arching her eyebrows.
"I was the one that dialed," Jinnai said with authority.
Clotho looked the strange man up and down. "I'm pretty certain you're not the sort of person we usually give wishes to," she said dubiously.
"It was the bug," Shawn said. "The bug dialed the number." The other five nodded in agreement, much to Jinnai's chagrin.
"Oh?" Clotho turned to the bugrom, who was watching her in confusion. "Did you dial the number, then?"
The bugrom replied.
"Yes, yes, it's true," Jinnai said, "but as his commanding officer, the wish falls to me."
"It doesn't work that way," the goddess said dismissively. As Jinnai's face turned red with rage, she took the bugrom's appendage. "So what is your heart's desire, little one?" she asked sweetly.
The bugrom began to speak.
"No!" Jinnai yelled, interrupting. "That's a lie! You do not want all the honeycomb you can eat! Listen to me carefully, and repeat after me: I, Homer, wish for the most lethal weapon in the known universe!"
Clotho audibly blinked.
"Her eyes are actually making those squelchy noises," Marika said.
"Yeah," Jordan said. "I noticed."
"I can only grant the bugrom his heart's desire," Clotho said. "I can not grant you your wish, nor can I let you interfere with the wish-making process."
"SAY IT!" Jinnai shouted.
The bugrom looked at Jinnai, then Clotho, then Jinnai again.
Jinnai sighed.
"Do as I say, and you will receive two full honeycomb every day for a year," he said calmly.
The bugrom turned and said something to Clotho.
"Yes!" Jinnai crowed. "Excellent, Homer! You shall be well rewarded!"
"Are you sure that's your heart's desire?" the goddess asked. The bugrom nodded enthusiastically.
"Oh dear," Belldandy said. "I'm beginning to see why everything's such a mess."
Meanwhile, Clotho was performing a maneuver that was quickly becoming familiar to the group. Her feet left the ground as she held her hands out and turned her face heavenward. Thunder rolled, and the lights in the room seemed to dim. A beam of light shot from her forehead and up through the roof.
And then it was over.
"Your wish has been granted," Clotho said. "Now, I'm really very busy, so...."
She vanished into the mirror.
"Hey! Come back here!" Jinnai yelled. "Where is my weapon of mass destruction?"
"Oh, my goodness!" Belldandy said. "I think that's it floating behind you!"
Jinnai spun around eagerly, hands ready to embrace his new toy. But what he saw did not in any way resemble a weapon, or a secret high-tech device, or even a humanoid being such as Ifurita. What it most resembled was a balloon lizard with a perpetually goofy grin. It had a round body, four round, balloon-like appendages a tail, and a head.
"Hi!" it exclaimed. The balloon mouth did not move a muscle, nor did the silly expression change in the least.
Jinnai's face grew purple with anger. "That incompetent deity!" he growled. "What is this? She's double-crossed me!"
"Well, after all," Marika said, "you cheated her first."
"But she hasn't cheated you," Belldandy said brightly. "This creature is the Winslow. It's widely held to be the most dangerous thing in the universe."
Jinnai raised an eyebrow, then studied the floating balloon creature carefully.
"What does it do?" he asked, rubbing his chin.
"Well," Belldandy said, "I don't actually know. I've just heard stories."
"Hi!" the Winslow called out again, grinning like a demented demon.
Jinnai ground his teeth together.
"Very well!" he said. "I shall have my scientists look at it. In the meantime," he said, snatching up the phone, "perhaps I can summon a goddess to grant me a wish, as well."
He glared at the group once more, and added, "For your sake, you'd better hope Makato comes soon, before my trap is fully laid."
He broke out again into hysterical laughter, which could still be heard long after he and his bugrom guard had locked the dungeon door and headed further into the complex.
After a minute or two had passed, Kit said, "Okay, dudes and dudettes. How are we going to escape from here?"
Keiichi sighed, and got to her feet. "You forget," she said, "that we have a goddess on our side. Not counting myself, of course...."
*To be continued tomorrow*
A Brief Bit Of Insanity
Miko / M A Davis
Sort of original, sort of AMG, sort of other stuff
A strange anime romp, in seven (now eight) short acts.
Act VI: Plan Ahead
Jinnai slouched on his throne and watched as his so-called scientists examined the odd creature known as the Winslow. The group of large multi-colored bugs surrounding the floating, grinning balloon-like creature poked and prodded it, spoke to it in their insect language, examined it from every angle, and compared notes among themselves.
Nearby, Queen Diva was looking over a stack of scrolls while leisurely sipping from an ornate cup.
Every empire required a crack team of scientists, as Jinnai well knew. Science and conquest went hand in hand, and therefore one of his first acts as Supreme High Commander of the bugrom armies had been to take best and brightest bugrom -- those who oversaw the construction of the bugrom hives -- and install them as the core of army intelligence. They were the brightest minds in the empire, the ones who would dream up fiendishly clever tools and weapons of destruction. Their discoveries would lead to the Bugrom Empire into a new age, as they conquered and dominated El Hazzard.
Overall, Jinnai thought, this particular phase of his plan had been an unprecedented failure, given that even the intelligentsia of the bugrom were as brilliant as dirt.
"Enough!" he yelled, waving his hand dismissively. "It's obvious that you lot will never understand this creature. Leave!"
The bugrom scientists warbled among themselves then shuffled slowly out of the throne room.
"Hi!" the Winslow exclaimed. It continued to float in the air and grin like a deranged hyena.
Perhaps you are wondering how a living balloon creature could be considered the most dangerous thing in the universe. Trust me, you are not alone. Given that the Winslow does nothing but float around and say "Hi!" a lot, many have wondered how it could be considered anything other than annoying.
The important part of the equation, which many people miss, is the knowledge of how other races and cultures view this creature.
For you see, on some worlds, the Winslow is regarded as the living embodiment of all that is right and good in the universe. To them, this creature is their god.
On other worlds, the Winslow is seen as the living embodiment of all that is wrong and evil in the universe. To them, this creature is their Satan.
As you might imagine, the appearance of the Winslow in many parts of the universe can lead to instant and very bloody intergalactic war. Entire interstellar civilizations have been reduced to rubble and space dust, simply because this creature popped in and said, "Hi!"
This is, you must admit, not a good thing.
The Winslow is apparently oblivious to the chaos it causes -- and to pretty much everything else as well. It does not apparently age, and cannot be harmed or destroyed. It simply is.
Lucky for our story, nobody on the world of El Hazzard has ever heard of it.
Or have they?
"Aha," Queen Diva said. "I thought I'd read about this thing before. It's mentioned in one of our most ancient texts -- a legend one of the old races brought with them to El Hazzard."
She studied the text for a moment, then gave Jinnai the complete rundown.
"So," Jinnai said, stroking his chin thoughtfully, "a weapon of supreme terror that can polarize the masses and bring empires to their knees." He studied the floating creature with the goofy grin a moment longer, then sprang to his feet. "IN OTHER WORDS, IT'S TOTALLY USELESS!" he screamed. "Take it away from here at once!"
He snatched up the cell phone and began pounding numbers at random. "Stiff me with a completely inoffensive weapon of destruction, will she?" he muttered under his breath. "We'll just see about that! If she thinks she can mess with the great Jinnai, she is sorely mistaken!"
In another part of the bugrom complex, the goddess of the present was focusing all of her concentration on a jail cell lock.
Belldandy raised her hands and began to chant:
Spirits of iron, of tumblers and locks,
Heed this, my earnest prayer,
Turn and twist, without a key,
And free us from this lair.
A glow surrounded her as she floated up from the stone floor. The glow passed from her into the keyhole, and she settled to the ground again.
Shawn smiled, stepped forward, and attempted to shove the cell door open. He rattled the iron bars, but the door remained firmly locked.
Belldandy frowned. "It didn't work?" she said.
Keiichi's eyes widened as several small, semi-transparent creatures climbed out of the keyhole and perched on the top of the lock.
"Whatcha trying to do?" one of the tiny spirits complained. "I was sound asleep!"
"You trying to order us around?" another said. "Just who do you think you are?"
"We ain't opening this lock for nobody," a third said. "Especially not some high-falutin' dame what we never heard of."
Keiichi blanched. She looked back at the others. "Did you hear that?" she asked.
"Hear what?" Jordan replied.
"I didn't hear anything," Marika said. "What were we supposed to hear?"
"You don't see anything on the lock?"
The four humans shook their heads.
"Well, it seems I'm not fully in tune with the magic and the spirits of this dimension," Belldandy said. "Perhaps if Urd and Skuld were here, they could do something about it, but...."
She smiled then shrunk down to the size of a large rat. "Fortunately," she said, "I'm always in tune with myself." She glanced at her boyfriend-cum-goddess, and added, "Keiichi, shall we go exploring?"
Keiichi shrunk herself down, but waved a hand at the thick wooden door that lead from the dungeon to the hallway beyond. "At this size, we can slip between the bars," she said, "but how do we get past that door?"
"Just phase through it, Keiichi," Belldandy said with a laugh. "You're a goddess, remember? Here, let me show you!" She grabbed Keiichi's hand and, with one leap, the two shot through the bars of the cell and passed through the door beyond as if it were made of mist.
***
A half-hour later, the two goddesses found themselves in a large cave that housed a number of the airships common to El Hazzard. They'd explored a large part of the complex without being seen, and had come to the conclusion that the keys to the dungeon and jail cell were in the possession of Jinnai himself.
Jinnai was still trying to determine exactly how one dialed up a goddess, growing more and more frustrated by the minute. Belldandy and Keiichi had decided to lay low and wait for an opportunity to snatch the keys, and the cell phone too if they could manage it. In the meantime, they'd failed to locate Jordan's Toyota Tercell. This did not bother Keiichi in the least... she was having too much fun studying airships.
She watched in awe as one of them was guided in and tethered, then she flew up to the deck of another, in order to check out the engine and flight controls.
After a few minutes of inspection, she turned to Belldandy, her face aglow.
"I've never seen anything like this," Keiichi said, "and I have no idea how they float... but one look at it, and I know how everything goes together, and how to operate it. I could disassemble and reassemble the engine, and maybe even improve the performance, and I'm certain I could fly it easily."
Belldandy's eyes widened. "Really?" she said. "You don't suppose...."
"Suppose what?"
"I was just thinking of your area of influence," Belldandy said. "As you know, I'm the goddess of the present, while Urd is goddess of the past and Skuld the goddess of the future. Every goddess has an area of influence, so I'm sure you must have one too."
Keiichi stared at her for a moment. He glanced down at the airship, and back at Belldandy.
"Are you saying I'm the goddess of vehicles?" she asked.
"It's very possible," Belldandy replied.
"Wow," Keiichi said. "That's... that's kind of neat! If it only didn't involve being female, I could actually get into this...."
"There are gods, as well as goddesses," Belldandy said. "The Almighty would have to agree, of course, but we might find a way to change you back, but allow you to remain god of vehicles...."
Keiichi frowned. "I don't want to be a goddess or a god," she said. "I just want to be normal old me again."
Belldandy smiled. "I know, Keiichi," she said. "But remember, if you were a god you would live forever...."
Keiichi glanced back at Belldandy and raised an eyebrow.
"I suppose I'll think about it," she said. She glanced at the airship again and added, "We can use one of these to escape. Who needs a Toyota, anyway?"
Belldandy looked uncertain. "That would be stealing," she said. "We really shouldn't...."
"We're just borrowing it," Keiichi replied. "We'll be leaving Jordan's car as collateral, and we'll return it when we're done."
Belldandy frowned uncertainly. "Well, I suppose...."
"Say, if I'm the goddess of vehicles, I bet I can out-mechanic Skuld!"
"I'd say almost certainly."
"Heh. Wouldn't she be surprised?"
Moments later, Keiichi cried out and leapt to the back of the airship. "Look here, Belldandy! This must be the exhaust!"
"Yes?"
"Well," Keiichi said, "when I first appeared as a goddess, I came out of the exhaust pipe. So I think that's my transport medium."
Belldandy nodded her head. "That makes sense," she said.
"That means I can enter this exhaust pipe, and come out in our garage, right? Even if we're on another world, in another dimension?"
"Yes, it does," Belldandy said. "Distance is of no importance. But Keiichi, we really can't just leave those four people here on their own! How will they ever get home? Not to mention that staying with them is your best chance of getting back to normal."
"Don't worry," Keiichi said. "At the moment, I can't be separated from Jordan anyway."
"Ah, yes, of course. I forgot."
"I was just thinking that, if we're going to be on this adventure much longer, I'd like to pop back home and grab one of my textbooks. I really need to be studying for that midterm.
"So... ah... how do I do this?
***
Back in the cell, Shawn Stacey had made an earth-shattering discovery.
With a wave of his hand, Shawn was able to summon forth a cold can of Dr. Pepper.
"All right!" he exclaimed. He popped the can open and downed it in one gulp, then summoned another. His three friends stared at him in fascination.
"How did you do that?" Marika asked.
"I don't know. I just wished that I had one, and then...."
A third can appeared in his hands. He popped the top and took a gulp. "Ah!" he said, then belched loudly. "Life is good!"
"Dude!" Kit exclaimed, "It's your special power! Everyone that comes to El Hazzard gets one!"
Marika's eyes shot up. "Hey, that's right! Each of us should have a new ability of some sort. I wonder what mine is?"
"Dude, that's trick! Summon a can for me!"
Shawn's eyes bugged out, and he shielded his current can of pop possessively. "No way!" he exclaimed. "It's my trick, so it's all mine!"
Kit sighed. "Shawn, come on, man. Don't be a greedy bastard. You can summon as many as you want."
"You don't know that!" Shawn retorted. "There could be a limit! I can't take the chance!"
Kit frowned, then began waving his own hands about, attempting to summon everything from a double skinny latte with hazelnut to a bacon double cheeseburger with a side of onion rings and dijon mustard. The others would have laughed at him, if they weren't engrossed in trying to figure out what their own special talents might be.
***
Back in the bugrom hanger, Keiichi and Belldandy were once again hiding in one of the airships. Keiichi had already traveled home and returned with her textbook, as well as an unwelcome companion.
Urd, elder sister of Belldandy and goddess of the future, sat on the airship deck, laughing hysterically.
Keiichi watched miserably. "I should have asked you to go, Belldandy," she said. "It didn't occur to me that she might see me, and follow me back."
Urd managed to stop laughing just long enough to snap a few photos.
"Hey!" Keiichi yelled, holding up his hands. "Stop that!"
"Urd," Belldandy said sternly, "that isn't very nice."
"No," Urd said, "but I can't -- haha -- I can't help -- hahaha -- myself...."
Another fit of uncontrollable laughter seized her, and she rolled around on the deck of the airship.
Belldandy sighed. "Oh, Urd," she said. Then she glanced back at Keiichi. "Actually, Keiichi," she said, "you look so cute as a goddess. It won't hurt to have a few photos to remember this by, after we've got everything back to normal, will it?"
"I suppose not," Keiichi said. "But if we have those around, everyone else is going to find them... Skuld, Megumi, Tamiya-Sempai...."
"We'll keep them hidden," Belldandy said, then stood up. "In any case, it's been a couple of hours now. Don't you think it's time to try and retrieve the keys and phone?"
*To be continued tomorrow*
A Brief Bit Of Insanity
Miko / M A Davis
Sort of original, sort of AMG, sort of other stuff
A strange anime romp, in a growing number of short acts.
I swear, this is the last time I ever promise to put out a new section of story every day until I'm done. What an idiotic idea that one was. =P
Act VII: Put Your Abilities to Use
In the bugrom throne room, Katsuhito Jinnai sprawled on his throne, snoring. Jordan's cell phone lay in his lap. Queen Diva smiled on him fondly, then stood, looked over at one of the guards, and gestured to the stack of scrolls on the dais.
"Pick these up, and come with me," she commanded. The guard warbled back and carefully gathered up the scrolls, then followed its master out of the room.
This left one guard, and the sleeping Jinnai. For several moments the room was completely still, then three small goddesses floated across it and up to Jinnai's throne. The lone guard that remained, stationed on the far side of the room, did not move a chitinous appendage.
Hovering over the sleeping madman, Belldandy carefully lifted the cell phone free. She floated to the ground in front of the throne.
"Did you see the keys?" Keiichi whispered. Belldandy shook her head.
Keiichi and Urd searched the throne and dais, and Jinnai's sleeping form. A few minutes later they gathered again in front of the throne.
"Can't find them," Keiichi said. "What are we going to do?"
"Well," Belldandy said, "we only assumed that he has them. Maybe he doesn't after all."
"Then where could they be?"
"They could be in one of his pockets," Urd said.
"But if we look we might wake him," Keiichi added.
"Well," Belldandy said, "we may not need them. We can always let one of the others call Clotho again."
Keiichi raised an eyebrow. "Isn't that abusing the goddess relief system?" she asked. "We probably shouldn't be doing that. Let's look for the keys some more."
Urd laughed. "Keiichi," she said, "the more abusive your friends are with the helpline, the faster someone notices and the faster we get you back to normal."
Keiichi blinked.
"Forget the keys," she said. "Let's get back to the jail cell."
***
Five minutes later, the three miniature figures phased through the dungeon door and landed just outside the jail cell. Inside the cell, Jordan, Marika, Kit, and Shawn stirred. The latter's movement knocked a stack of empty Dr. Pepper cans over, scattering them across the floor.
"Urd!" Shawn exclaimed.
"In the flesh!" the dark-skinned, white-haired goddess replied. She bowed. "How did you know my name?"
"Everyone knows your name," Jordan said. "Urd, older sister of Belldandy and Skuld, goddess of the past, designer of pills and potions that never quite work as advertised...."
"No way! Kit said. "It's mini-Belldandy, mini-Keiichi, and now mini-Urd! When's Nezumi-san showing up?"
"Mr. Rat?" Keiichi repeated. "Nani?"
Urd narrowed her eyes. "You people know a lot about me, considering we've just met," she said darkly.
"Of course they do," Belldandy said. "I should have told you, Urd. They're from an anime-manga dimension."
Urd raised an eyebrow. "Really? A world where we're just stories?" Keiichi looked from Belldandy to Urd in growing confusion. For her part, Urd glanced at the four Americans, and added, "A world, in other words, of drooling fanboys?"
"That's me!" Shawn said proudly. "Guilty as charged!"
"Lovely," Urd said, placing her hand to her temple. "And I suppose you have pictures of me stored on your computer hard drive, then?"
Shawn nodded.
"In the buff?"
"Er... yeah, actually."
"How many?"
"Ah," Shawn said, "that is, I'm not exactly certain...."
Urd rolled her eyes, then laughed. "More than my sisters, I hope," she said.
"Ah... yeah."
"They you have good tastes, at least."
"Can we please escape now, and discuss who has naked pictures of whom later?" Marika asked. "Where are the keys?"
"We don't actually know," Belldandy said. "We couldn't find them. But we brought back Jordan's cell phone...."
"Give me that!" Jordan said. He snatched up the phone and began dialing.
"This, again?" Shawn asked.
Jordan listened to the phone a moment, nodded, and hung up. White mist began pouring from the mirror outside of the cell.
"How often are we going to do this, anyway?" Marika muttered.
"Until we get everything fixed, I guess," Shawn said. "More likely we'll get things so screwed up that they'll never straighten it all out...."
Clotho formed from the mist and bowed. "I'm the goddess Clotho, and I... what? You people again?"
"I'm afraid so," Marika said.
"This is most unusual," Clotho said, "one mortal getting two wishes. Well anyway, make it quick, I've got a busy schedule to keep." She glanced to the side and added, "Hello there, Urd. I guess I should have expected you to show up sooner or later."
"Hey, Clotho," Urd said. "Running a tight ship as usual I see."
A look of momentary confusion passed over Clotho's face, but she dismissed it and turned back to her victim. "Okay, out with it," she said. "What's your heart's desire? And make it snappy!"
"I wish that all of our previous wishes were reversed!" Jordan blurted out.
"I can't do that," Clotho replied. "No wish may counteract a previous wish."
"Well, that's just it," Jordan said. "I didn't make a wish the last time."
"Yes you did," Clotho replied. "I heard it very clearly. Now quit stalling. You've got sixty seconds to make your wish, then I'm out of here."
"Clotho," Belldandy said, "perhaps you should be more careful in granting your wishes...."
"I don't have the time!" Clotho snapped. "If you and your sisters didn't spend so much time down in the mortal realms, maybe we wouldn't be so far behind!"
"Look, you twisted my words around," Jordan said. "I wasn't ready to make a wish yet. I was just saying "what if". I mean, you can't just grant wishes indiscriminately based on offhand comments. You have to make sure the person really wants what you think they want. Their heart's desire, right?"
"Forty seconds," Clotho said.
"You can't seriously think it was my heart's desire to have Keiichi turned into a girl."
"Jordan," Shawn said, "don't be an idiot. Just wish us back to Earth, now!"
"No way!" Kit said. "We haven't seen the Priestesses yet! Just wish for the keys! That's all we need!"
Ignoring his friends, Jordan continued his argument. "I mean, if I were to w... to ask for a curse like Ranma's, or that Madoka from Kimagure Orange Road was my girlfriend?"
"Dude, that's the one you want. Wish for your own Madoka."
"Hey!" Keiichi said, "he's already got me!"
Everyone looked at Keiichi. Belldandy's eyes went wide.
"I mean, not that I'm thrilled with the idea," Keiichi stammered, turning red in the face. "It's just that ... it was a wish that tied me to Jordan. You can't break the bond like that. I should know. I mean, even with me like this, Belldandy is still tied to me because of my own wish...."
Belldandy nodded. "That's true," she said, "since one wish can't undo another."
"My point is," Jordan said, not about to be deterred, "you granted my last wish too carelessly, so therefore it should be invalidated."
"Sorry," Clotho said. "Ten seconds."
"You brainless bimbo!" Jordan yelled, throwing his hands up. "You can't just turn Keiichi into a girl because of some stupid offhand comment! What if I'd asked for godlike power? You'd just hand that to me, no questions asked? What if I asked to be Superman? For that matter, what if I wished to be Pretty Sammy? Without a second thought, you'd just turn me into...."
Clotho turned her face upwards, and a beam of light stabbed the ceiling of the darkening room.
"No! Wait!" Jordan held up his hands, a look of horror on his face. "You can't! That isn't what I...."
Jordan paused. He -- or rather, she -- was instantly two feet shorter, with aqua-blue pigtails that defied gravity. She wore a sailor-style fuku in blue and white, with a rather short skirt.
"Your wish has been granted," the goddess said. "Now, if you don't mind, I've very busy...." She sank into the tiny mirror and was gone.
*To be continued*
A Brief Bit Of Insanity
Miko / M A Davis
Sort of original, sort of AMG, sort of other stuff
A strange anime romp, in a growing number of short acts.
Act VIII: Use Your Brain
"Dude, do the transformation sequence," Kit said.
"No!" Jordan exclaimed. "No way! I'm not doing that!"
Deep in the heart of the bugrom complex, four Americans and three goddesses were still working out how to escape from a simple iron cell. The goddesses -- Belldandy, Urd, and Keiichi -- stood on one side of the iron bars. On the other side stood Kit, the rail-thin Korn fan, Shawn, the extra-large anime freak and self-professed genius, and Marika, the die-hard anime fan with the fetish for Celtic music and ornamentation.
In the middle of this group stood Jordan. Until ten minutes ago he'd been the better-dressed and more rational member of the group, but his tendency to argue minor points and to not be entirely careful about what he said had now resulted not only in Keiichi's accidental ascension to goddess-hood, but to Jordan's own startling transformation into just about the cutest grade school girl you could imagine.
But then, when your name was Sasami Kawaii, how could you be anything other than uber-cute?
"Dude, you've got to!" Kit pleaded. "How else are we going to get out of this place?"
"There is no way you're going to get me to transform into a magical girl," Jordan said through gritted teeth.
For the second time in ten minutes, Marika squealed and lifted Jordan from the ground in a fierce hug. "Oh Sammy, you're the most adorable little girl I've ever seen!" she exclaimed.
"The name's Jordan!" the girl said in a most un-Sammy-like tone of voice. "Now put me down!"
"Okay," Marika said, setting her down. "But it hardly seems fair that you get to be a magical girl, and not me."
"I don't want to be a magical girl," Jordan growled.
"Maybe I should wish to be Card Captor Sakura," Marika said, snatching up the cell phone. "That could be fun!"
"Pretty Sammy's more powerful," Kit said. "How about Pixy Misa?"
"No thanks," Marika replied. "I'd rather be cute and fight for good than an evil, sexy slut."
"Misa's not a slut," Kit said, somewhat defensively.
"Anyway, with her Clow cards, Sakura can improvise a lot," Marika said.
"But Sammy's got the cuter sidekick."
"I wouldn't be so sure of that."
"Come on! Ryo-Okhi can kick Kero-chan's butt any day!"
"Perhaps," Marika said, "but Sakura is more stylish, you have to admit."
Kit nodded. "Yeah, okay, point taken."
"Are we going to get out of here any time soon?" Shawn asked.
Kit shrugged his shoulders. "Sammy won't transform," he said.
"It's Jordan, you numbskull!"
"Yeah, whatever," Kit replied. "I guess we got no choice but to summon Clotho again...."
Jordan twitched.
"All right!" Marika said. "Lemme do it! I wanna be Sakura!"
"W-wait!" Jordan called out.
Everyone turned to look at her. "I... uh... I guess I'll transform," she said. "That is, I'd rather do that than summon that demented goddess again...."
She paused, looking around, and added, "Uh... how does it go?"
"Hold your baton up in the air," Marika said, "and yell out 'Pretty Mutation, Magical Recall!'"
Jordan nodded her head. "Got it," she said. She paused again, looked around, and said, "Has anyone seen my baton, then?"
Urd stepped forward. "Allow me," she said. With a wave of her hands, her outfit transformed, and she was wearing fishnet stockings and a black body suit with a white tux-like front, white collar, and white cuffs. A large black stovepipe hat sat on her head, and a long black wand rested in one hand. She looked very much like a stage magician's sexy assistant, except that there was no magician around save Urd herself.
With elaborate gestures, Urd demonstrated that nothing was up her sleeves -- not that anyone suspected such of the form-fitting bodysuit. She then removed her hat, showing that it, too, was empty. Then, with elaborate care, she set it on the small table near the dungeon exit, stuck her hand inside, and pulled out a cabbit.
It was Ryo-Ohki, Pretty Sammy's sidekick and mentor. In its small paws, the cabbit clutched Sammy's pink and white baton.
The cabbit immediately struggled from Urd's grasp, hopped across the concrete, and held the baton up to Jordan. "Hurry, Sasami!" the cabbit urged. "There's no time to lose! You've got to transform into Pretty Sammy!"
"My name's Jordan," the girl repeated, somewhat less certainly than before. She took the baton, held it above her head, and said, "Well, okay, here goes nothing.
"Pretty Mutation -- Magical Recall!"
As she spoke the words, Jordan began to spin about. The air was filled with pastel-colored globes that revolved around her, and her entire body (which now appeared to be naked) took on an odd translucent glow. Then the familiar Pretty Sammy outfit formed around her.
Luckily for Jordan, she was too busy transforming to notice quite how intensely Kit and Shawn were watching her.
"The Magical Girl, Pretty Sammy!" she yelled out. She finished the sequence with an especially cute pose, pinky finger against her cheek, which she held for a moment before assuming a normal stance. "Er... that is..." she stammered.
"Oh!" Belldandy exclaimed, clapping her hands together. "How kawaii! That's an adorable outfit, Sammy!"
"It's Jordan," the girl said, tugging at her short, pleated skirt. "God, this is embarrassing...."
She turned to face the lock. "Um... how do I do this, exactly?"
"Raise your wand above your head, swing it down, and yell 'Pretty Coquettish Bomber!'" Marika said. "That should do it."
"Yes, that's it exactly," the cabbit added, nodding its head vigorously.
"Okay," Jordan said. She glanced around. "You, uh, might all want to stand back for this...."
The wand swung up, sprouting a pair of small wings. Then it came down in a rush. "Pretty Coquettish Bomber!" Jordan yelled. A visible pink heart flew from the wand and struck the cell lock.
Shawn rattled the door, but it remained locked. "Try it again," he suggested, stepping back.
"Pretty Coquettish Bomber!" Jordan called out. A second pink heart slammed into the lock.
"Pretty Coquettish Bomber!"
"Pretty Coquettish Bomber!"
"Pretty Coquettish Bomber!"
"It's not working, dude," Kit added helpfully.
Jordan sighed, placing her hands on her hips. "Got any other bright ideas?" she asked.
"Maybe Card Captor Sakura..." Marika began.
"No," Jordan said. "We're not calling that wacko goddess again!"
She frowned, glaring at the lock. "This is ridiculous," she said. "I wish that stupid lock would break already...."
The lock split in two and fell onto the floor. For a moment everyone stared at it in stunned silence.
"How did you do that?" Shawn asked.
"I don't know," Jordan said. "I just pictured the lock breaking in my mind...."
"Dude! It's your special power!" Kit said excitedly. "You can cut locks in two with your mind!"
"I can?" Jordan asked, surprised. Shoving the cell door open, she walked over the large wooden door that led from the dungeon itself. She glared at the lock, which promptly split down the middle and clattered to the stone.
"What do you know? I really can cut locks in two with my mind! That's pretty neat!"
"Dude! Why didn't you try that earlier?"
"Why didn't you suggest it?" Jordan retorted.
"Okay!" Keiichi yelled. "No more talking! We're leaving here now! Belldandy, you and I will lead. Urd and Pretty Sammy will bring up the rear...."
"That's Pretty Jordan," Jordan said. "I mean... that is, just Jordan, thanks."
"Okay," Shawn said. "Ready when you are."
"Just a second," Marika said. The others glanced back, to see her holding an open cell phone. White mist began to pour from the mirror. The others groaned.
"Marika, you didn't," Jordan said.
"Well, I've been thinking about it," Marika replied. "Maybe it'll be for just a little while, or maybe we'll never get everything straightened back out... but I could do a lot worse than become a cute magical girl. Anyway, why should you get to have all the fun?"
"You think this is fun?"
The goddess Clotho formed from the mist. She still had two long braids of bright green, and she still wore an elaborate off-the-shoulder multi-layered white dress, with silver symbols on the hem and edge, and with silver crescent-moon earrings, a crescent-moon necklace, and blue-silver crescent tattoos on her cheeks and foreheads.
This time, she didn't even begin her introduction. "You people are really starting to annoy me!" she growled. "How can you expect me to catch up on my work load if I'm popping down to grant your group wishes every two hours? I've a good mind to...."
"I wish I were Card Captor Sakura!" Marika exclaimed, "and Kero-chan was here with me!"
Clotho blinked, then turned her face to the sky. Once again, the beam shot from her forehead and up through the ceiling. Moments later, Marika had been transformed into a ten-year-old girl who was at least as cute as Sasami herself. Kero-chan, whose true identity was Cerberus, guardian beast of the Clow Card book, floated in the air over her shoulder.
"This had better be last time, for your sake," Clotho said darkly, before disappearing back into the mirror.
"Neat!" Marika said, checking herself out. She pulled a collection of Clow cards from a pocket and looked them over. "This is going to be fun!"
Kero-chan and Ryo-Ohki exchanged glances. "How's it going, Kero-chan?" Ryo-Ohki asked.
"Not too bad," Kero-chan replied. "And you?"
"About the same," Ryo-Ohki said.
"Okay, are we ready now?" Keiichi asked. "Shawn, you have any desire to become Cutey Honey? Kit, how about Wedding Peach? No? Then can we get out of here already?"
Moments later, the strange band of adventurers were sneaking through the halls of the bugrom complex, heading for the airship hangar.
*To be continued*